Putting the Pieces Back Together (can't belive I let this one linger in cyberspace for so long!)

So it's over, done; what now? The first thing is to find your way back to you. What makes you a whole person outside of being someone's spouse or partner? I would encourage you to make a list of all the things you want to do. All the things that you would have done if you hadn't been married. Make it your mission to accomplish those things. Do not stop living or doing what you NEED to do for you or your children. My philosophy is this: they haven't stopped and LIFE HASN'T STOPPED because the two of you are no longer married; so why should you? Put a smile on your face, put your best foot foward and keep going. Make your life as full as you can make it. Fill your life with good friends, good food, good music, laughter, creativity, and a good dose of GOD; everything else will fall into place and all will be well.

Put yourself first for a change. If all you've been living for is a husband/wife/partner and children, you've probably lost a good bit of you along the way. Use this time to get reaquainted with you. You may even find out there's new things you want to do or try; new places you want to go, or even start a new career. Again, before you can embark on something new, you must put to rest the past. Do the work inside yourself in order to reestablish peace inside yourself in order to have the courage to do something different. I know for those of  you who read my blog, you're going to get tired of this one... but guess what-you can't start putting the pieces back together without FORGIVENESS. As I've said before, I'll be spending a lot of time on forgiveness from here on out; besides, that's how you HEAL.

Hiatus

I can't believe it has been over 2 years since I have posted anything on this blog! Time has truly slipped away from me. A lot has happened in 2 years. Yes, I am still divorced, but life has taken me down an unexpected path. I am no longer in the midst of dating hell..yes, dating hell. Since I have last updated this blog, I have decided to put my family back together.

SHOCKER RIGHT!?!!

I know that whoever ends up reading this blog will have this question: How on earth did that happen?

It happened quite unexpectedly actually. Honestly, it surprised me and everyone else. Over the next few blog posts I plan to share how that came about. Although my life has taken a bit of a turn, I still plan to do what I set out to do with this blog, which was to help others through this maze called divorce.

Stay tuned....

Divorce and the 7 Stages of Grief

One of the hardest things to deal with or even talk about is the depression that accompanies divorce. It is said that divorce is similar to death, meaning the manner in how it's dealt with. The seven stages of grief applies to both death and divorce. The stages are: 1 shock, 2 denial, 3 anger, 4 guilt, 5 sorrow and depression, 6 acceptance, and 7 engaging life.

The thing to remember with grieving is that it doesn't always happen in order the way you see it above. You can jump around and experience different ones at different times. You will experience all of them at one point; but if you begin to feel stuck on #5, Sorrow & Depression, please seek help. It may help to talk to someone about your feelings. One thing that helped me was the realization that here I was sad and upset about things, but life goes on  for the other person and it sure doesn't stop for you. Here's a snapshot into my world:

Stages 1 & 2 didn't last long for me. Shock and Denial passed quickly. I was shocked for a minute and I felt like I was in some sort of twilght zone, which of course led to denial. For a week or two I said to myself "this can't be happening, there is just absolutely no way..." Hmmm, yes it was. Stage #3 Anger- now this stage is one that I still deal with. I was mad as hell. I am not so sure I was mad that it was ending, it was more of a "how could u do this to me?" "wth is wrong with you?" The way things were handled was just cruel and I do not wish what happened on my worst enemy. I became angry with myself for even being with this person bc he turned out to NOT be the person I thought he was. Honestly, I think the anger is more with myself than anyone else.

That thing called Guilt is Stage #4. I went through this one for sure. I felt like maybe if I were different things wouldn't have happened the way that they did. Things wouldn't have went so bad.Thank God I don't feel this anymore. I realized that sometimes we try to hold on to people God is trying to get us away from. I realize that I am me, and I have gone through what I've gone through for a reason; I still don't understand the why lol.

Stage #5, Sorrow and Depression is a tough one. I fought with this one bc of what divorce means. For a lot of us it means you've failed in your marriage/relationship. Maybe the fact that I failed at giving my kids what I didin't have. Maybe bc I thought I was done and I didn't have to worry about dating again-and now I do. I'm not sure it had anything to do with love. Through my grieving process I've realized a lot. One of the biggest realizations I've come to is this: I will not lay down and die just bc someone changes their mind about us and what we have...maybe he wasn't supposed to be here in the first place. I cannot and will not lose sleep and I must keep going. Have I cried over the end of things, yes. But I also think that once you've had your heart broken once it gets easier and easier to recover bc I believe the heart changes (maybe not always for the better). One thing's for sure, my heart isn't as rosy and as pliable as it once was. It's a little harder, doesn't trust as much, and my heart thinks that the word love is a 4 letter "bad" word. I'm still learning lol!

Acceptance! Stage #6. Coming to terms with things ending gets easier with time. It's been a long time but YES I have accepted it and it's a good thing. I cannot speak for anyone else, but for me divorce has been good; though it is not without its own batch of mistakes and tears.

Stage #7, Engaging Life. If you've got children you have no other option but to keep going. Engaging life, however, is embracing the things you've always loved before the marriage/relationship ended and what will be after it's done. You may find yourself loving yourself more standing on your own than you did attached.

Divorce is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You feel broken, tattered, torn, but you have to go through things in order to come out shining brighter than the sun. Hold on, be patient with yourself, love yourself (flaws and all), and things will change.

Redefining A Family

One of the biggest changes in divorce is the family; what it means and what the new dynamics are going to be. As stated in my earlier post, the ideal family consists of a mother, father, and children; but that isn't always the case. In quite a few divorces, usually you have the primary or custodial parent and then (yes I'm saying it) the absent parent. Let me just say, there are adjustments to be made on either side. For the custodial parent the biggest change and challenge is having ALL the responsibilities on his or her shoulders. Doing it alone is a daunting task. If you are the primary parent, my suggestion to you is to seek as much support from extended family and friends as you can (if you are that fortunate). They will be your life savers. If you are totally alone as a single parent, I suggest you seek out support groups for single parents and if your city/town doesn't have one,why not start one?

The absent parent, of course, is just that-absent. This parent may feel alienated from the ex-spouse and children depending on how nasty the divorce was, which may be the reason he or she is not there. Honestly, there are probably a whole host of reasons why a parent is absent. The reasons could go from feeling rejected to being just trifling and they don't want to be in their childrens' lives anymore. Personally, I feel there should be no reason a parent should be absent, but it happens. The absent parent has to adjust to live on his or her own, with no one to take care of but themselves. My feeling about that-that's a pretty easy adjustment, but an adjustment no less.

Whether you are the primary parent or the absent parent, reassessing what makes a family is important. What is a family? 
1.a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family (taken from merriam-webster.com).
A family doesn't have to be people that are related to you. Yes, a family can be made up of extended family beyond mother, father, and children, who live together, but it can also be a group of friends who see each other through the tough times; they share responsibilities, help rear the children, help one another out of binds, and lend an ear in times of crisis. That's what makes a family. It doesn't matter if you share blood or not.

If you are going through a divorce your family will change and you have to be willing to change with it. Part of a successful divorce recovery is realizing that change is inevitable and sometimes the "norms" don't always apply. Let go of the notion that a family has to have its traditional members. If you love, give love, receive love, and have people in your life that you couldn't see life without, then you have a family. Embrace it.

In The Land of OZ...

Seriously, there comes a point where enough is enough. Kids or not, the ties must be cut and the children can decide whether or not they actually want the absent parent in their lives. The children didn't ask to come here; two consenting adults (no matter how dumb or naive) decided that fate for them.

Think back, I'm sure you can remember the whole fairytale where mom and dad stick it out and do it together til their last days, but in reality it doesn't happen all that much anymore. We all cling to that ideal. And honestly, that's ok. Though divorced, I still want a stable home with a male and female figure for my children to look up to. I want them to know it can be done, but my life has taught them otherwise. Somewhere, I'm sure, you're wondering where did I go wrong? How did it get to this? This is not what it's supposed to be *all while screaming it's not fair!* I have been there and done that. But have you ever sat back and thought to yourself that maybe having one stable parent (with less drama) is better than a severely disfunctional home because you and your spouse don't get along?

Trust me it get's better. Don't beat yourself up over it. One loving parent is better than two warring ones. I know that not living up to the "ideal" we've all grown up with can make it seem like you're living in the land of OZ but it's ok. You're going to make it. Stay on the path of healing for yourself and your children and do the things you have always wanted to do for yourself that you may not have been able to do being attached/married. Focus on you and your dreams.

One thing that the primary parent will see is just how much of an interest the absent parent plays in the childrens' lives. How much or how little interest is certainly a window into the character of the person that you were once married to. If they fail miserably at co-parenting after divorce, it may not be your fault. Maybe they feel because they are not with  you then the obligation is done. Oh well it will be that parents' loss. Children who are rejected by the absent parent soon catch on and after a while, want nothing to do wtih the absent parent. Though the absent parent is quick to blame the primary parent, he or she must realize in most cases the child makes the decision.

Remember divorce itself is like living in the land of OZ, so be patient with you, your absent ex, and your children. This is an adjustment and divorce doesn't come with a manual.

A Funny Thing Happened....

After a brief attempt at reconciliation. I figured out that he and I are better off as friends. I don't know but what I've found is that we both bring out the worst in each other. It's like a bottle of water & vinegar mixed-it doesn't.

Let's face it, dating is hell or at least it is if you do not do the inner work. I'm figuring that out. Because dating is not all it's cracked up to be, it does not mean that you and your ex spouse belong together. If there are unresolved issues or questions, I encourage you all to get help (counseling) and work on things. As time goes on you may find that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. There are instances where ex-spouses work their differences out and make it work, but for others of us-it just doesn't.

Not being able to reconcile does not mean you're an utter failure, but maybe the two of you have just grown too far apart. Maybe you really do want different things.

Sometimes being friends for your children is the best gift you can give your children rather than giving it another go as a couple. I will also say that maybe, just maybe God didn't put you and your ex-spouse

together to begin with (just a random thought).

What's funny about all this? Now that my ex and I have decided to be friends, he believes it's ok to give me dating advice. While his advice is not all bad, can we just say AWKWARD! I understand that he doesn't want to see me hurt or get into a bad situation, there's just some lines you do not cross. What's good about this though, is the fact that we're at least comfortable enough to talk about that part of our lives WITHOUT divulging too much detail.

To tie in my previous post to this one I'm gonna say this: you know you have truly forgiven the one who has hurt you, when you can move on together in peace and go on towards the next phase in life.

Does he read this? Yes. Am I bothered by it? No. Honest conversation comes about because of this blog.

Forgiveness: An Act of Love

Hate feels toxic doesn't it? Hating someone brings more harm to the hater than the person being hated. That concept is something (I believe) that goes out the window when someone does something to you. When a person is wronged, the only thing on the person's mind is fixing it-one way or another. You might be the type of person that holds a grudge against another- saying, "I will never speak to this person again!" or saying, "I hate you, you're dead to me!" We don't realize just how toxic and harmful that is.

Hate raises your blood pressure, makes you irritable, sleepless, mean, unapproachable, and down right sick inside. The only way to combat the ugliness and harm caused by hate is through FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness, however, for a lot of us, is harder than it should be. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. There's also not a time-table for how long it takes to forgive, so don't beat yourself up, if you happen to take longer than you think you should. Forgiveness is a process. I'll be the first to say that yes, it is hard, but it's worth it. Visualize the person you're mad at going on with their life and they are happy, then take a look at yourself in the mirror. You're mad, seething even, it's not a good look. Hate makes you look weighed down, heavy, burdened-the opposite of happy. You would be carrying the burden of what happened and the person you're mad at has moved on and is truly HAPPY. In turn, that would only make you even madder (what a hoot!). Crazy I know, but that's life.

Lighten up, realize that you are both human and you make mistakes. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night-be patient with yourself. I'm sure you've all heard the saying "fake it til you make it"- that's what you may have to do in the beginning. Tell yourself that you forgive this person until you wake up one day and realize, "yes, yes I do."

Remember, the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive. It's about you and your well-being, not theirs. So show yourself some kindness, and learn to forgive others.

*yes this is a divorce blog, but life goes beyond divorce-forgiveness applies to anyone about anything*