In The Land of OZ...

Seriously, there comes a point where enough is enough. Kids or not, the ties must be cut and the children can decide whether or not they actually want the absent parent in their lives. The children didn't ask to come here; two consenting adults (no matter how dumb or naive) decided that fate for them.

Think back, I'm sure you can remember the whole fairytale where mom and dad stick it out and do it together til their last days, but in reality it doesn't happen all that much anymore. We all cling to that ideal. And honestly, that's ok. Though divorced, I still want a stable home with a male and female figure for my children to look up to. I want them to know it can be done, but my life has taught them otherwise. Somewhere, I'm sure, you're wondering where did I go wrong? How did it get to this? This is not what it's supposed to be *all while screaming it's not fair!* I have been there and done that. But have you ever sat back and thought to yourself that maybe having one stable parent (with less drama) is better than a severely disfunctional home because you and your spouse don't get along?

Trust me it get's better. Don't beat yourself up over it. One loving parent is better than two warring ones. I know that not living up to the "ideal" we've all grown up with can make it seem like you're living in the land of OZ but it's ok. You're going to make it. Stay on the path of healing for yourself and your children and do the things you have always wanted to do for yourself that you may not have been able to do being attached/married. Focus on you and your dreams.

One thing that the primary parent will see is just how much of an interest the absent parent plays in the childrens' lives. How much or how little interest is certainly a window into the character of the person that you were once married to. If they fail miserably at co-parenting after divorce, it may not be your fault. Maybe they feel because they are not with  you then the obligation is done. Oh well it will be that parents' loss. Children who are rejected by the absent parent soon catch on and after a while, want nothing to do wtih the absent parent. Though the absent parent is quick to blame the primary parent, he or she must realize in most cases the child makes the decision.

Remember divorce itself is like living in the land of OZ, so be patient with you, your absent ex, and your children. This is an adjustment and divorce doesn't come with a manual.

A Funny Thing Happened....

After a brief attempt at reconciliation. I figured out that he and I are better off as friends. I don't know but what I've found is that we both bring out the worst in each other. It's like a bottle of water & vinegar mixed-it doesn't.

Let's face it, dating is hell or at least it is if you do not do the inner work. I'm figuring that out. Because dating is not all it's cracked up to be, it does not mean that you and your ex spouse belong together. If there are unresolved issues or questions, I encourage you all to get help (counseling) and work on things. As time goes on you may find that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. There are instances where ex-spouses work their differences out and make it work, but for others of us-it just doesn't.

Not being able to reconcile does not mean you're an utter failure, but maybe the two of you have just grown too far apart. Maybe you really do want different things.

Sometimes being friends for your children is the best gift you can give your children rather than giving it another go as a couple. I will also say that maybe, just maybe God didn't put you and your ex-spouse

together to begin with (just a random thought).

What's funny about all this? Now that my ex and I have decided to be friends, he believes it's ok to give me dating advice. While his advice is not all bad, can we just say AWKWARD! I understand that he doesn't want to see me hurt or get into a bad situation, there's just some lines you do not cross. What's good about this though, is the fact that we're at least comfortable enough to talk about that part of our lives WITHOUT divulging too much detail.

To tie in my previous post to this one I'm gonna say this: you know you have truly forgiven the one who has hurt you, when you can move on together in peace and go on towards the next phase in life.

Does he read this? Yes. Am I bothered by it? No. Honest conversation comes about because of this blog.