One of the biggest changes in divorce is the family; what it means and what the new dynamics are going to be. As stated in my earlier post, the ideal family consists of a mother, father, and children; but that isn't always the case. In quite a few divorces, usually you have the primary or custodial parent and then (yes I'm saying it) the absent parent. Let me just say, there are adjustments to be made on either side. For the custodial parent the biggest change and challenge is having ALL the responsibilities on his or her shoulders. Doing it alone is a daunting task. If you are the primary parent, my suggestion to you is to seek as much support from extended family and friends as you can (if you are that fortunate). They will be your life savers. If you are totally alone as a single parent, I suggest you seek out support groups for single parents and if your city/town doesn't have one,why not start one?
The absent parent, of course, is just that-absent. This parent may feel alienated from the ex-spouse and children depending on how nasty the divorce was, which may be the reason he or she is not there. Honestly, there are probably a whole host of reasons why a parent is absent. The reasons could go from feeling rejected to being just trifling and they don't want to be in their childrens' lives anymore. Personally, I feel there should be no reason a parent should be absent, but it happens. The absent parent has to adjust to live on his or her own, with no one to take care of but themselves. My feeling about that-that's a pretty easy adjustment, but an adjustment no less.
Whether you are the primary parent or the absent parent, reassessing what makes a family is important. What is a family?
1.a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family (taken from merriam-webster.com).
A family doesn't have to be people that are related to you. Yes, a family can be made up of extended family beyond mother, father, and children, who live together, but it can also be a group of friends who see each other through the tough times; they share responsibilities, help rear the children, help one another out of binds, and lend an ear in times of crisis. That's what makes a family. It doesn't matter if you share blood or not.
If you are going through a divorce your family will change and you have to be willing to change with it. Part of a successful divorce recovery is realizing that change is inevitable and sometimes the "norms" don't always apply. Let go of the notion that a family has to have its traditional members. If you love, give love, receive love, and have people in your life that you couldn't see life without, then you have a family. Embrace it.
Seriously, there comes a point where enough is enough. Kids or not, the ties must be cut and the children can decide whether or not they actually want the absent parent in their lives. The children didn't ask to come here; two consenting adults (no matter how dumb or naive) decided that fate for them.
Think back, I'm sure you can remember the whole fairytale where mom and dad stick it out and do it together til their last days, but in reality it doesn't happen all that much anymore. We all cling to that ideal. And honestly, that's ok. Though divorced, I still want a stable home with a male and female figure for my children to look up to. I want them to know it can be done, but my life has taught them otherwise. Somewhere, I'm sure, you're wondering where did I go wrong? How did it get to this? This is not what it's supposed to be *all while screaming it's not fair!* I have been there and done that. But have you ever sat back and thought to yourself that maybe having one stable parent (with less drama) is better than a severely disfunctional home because you and your spouse don't get along?
Trust me it get's better. Don't beat yourself up over it. One loving parent is better than two warring ones. I know that not living up to the "ideal" we've all grown up with can make it seem like you're living in the land of OZ but it's ok. You're going to make it. Stay on the path of healing for yourself and your children and do the things you have always wanted to do for yourself that you may not have been able to do being attached/married. Focus on you and your dreams.
One thing that the primary parent will see is just how much of an interest the absent parent plays in the childrens' lives. How much or how little interest is certainly a window into the character of the person that you were once married to. If they fail miserably at co-parenting after divorce, it may not be your fault. Maybe they feel because they are not with you then the obligation is done. Oh well it will be that parents' loss. Children who are rejected by the absent parent soon catch on and after a while, want nothing to do wtih the absent parent. Though the absent parent is quick to blame the primary parent, he or she must realize in most cases the child makes the decision.
Remember divorce itself is like living in the land of OZ, so be patient with you, your absent ex, and your children. This is an adjustment and divorce doesn't come with a manual.
Today I received a phone call from my ex husband today that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. Despite the fact that I may have some ill feelings about what happened between he and I and some of the things that went down, I do not, I repeat, do not wish the death of a parent on anyone.
My dilema in all of this is telling the children we share together. My personal belief is it is not my responsibility to be the one to tell them -- as the deceased grandparent is not my mother. The good news is that when I expressed my concern about it, we came to a decision to tell them together. I am quite sure I will probably have to be the more vocal parent because my guess is the ex husband will be too emotional to say too much. The way I figure it, I'm not such a cold, hard, bitch that I can't be there for him at this present time -- I just hope he doesn't take my kindness and run with it -- As this is a one time deal.
So tomorrow is the day he'll make the trip here, face the reality of it all, and then of course his having the expectation that I will be there -- and I thought this is what his having a girl friend was all about. Isn't this her job? Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to face it with my grownwoman gear on and handle it. I am unsure of how my children are going to handle the death of their grandfather because that remains to be seen. Tomorrow will tell the tale. I just hope that they understand that death is a part of life and they will see him again. I'd like to think of it as my children having one more guardian angel on their side to help them get through this thing we call life.
How am I handling it? Well I don't do death. Yes, I know it is a part of life but I try not to think about it. Have I called my Ex MIL and give her my condolences -- not as of yet. But I will, I need time. She's not my favorite person but, again, I know I have to put my big girl draws on and do this.
Until Tomorrow...
It's a sticky situation when the children still have hope even though you as a parent knows that there's none. Children often have this idea of their parents being together forever but sometimes forever is a short while. No one, not even the parents go into this whole marriage thing with divorce on the agenda. So, of course, when it happens it becomes a shock for everyone. Deep down I don't even believe that the one who initiates it really knows what's in store until after the fact. But in the world of divorce children have the hardest time coming to grips with things. Personally, I believe that children have this hope for their parents to reunite never dies, but our role as parents is to make the transition easier for them and to gently help them accept that their parents are no longer one unit.
As a parent it is a heartbreaking thing to hear your child or children say that they want mommy n daddy to get back together. Sometimes children get these notions after talking to the absent parent on the telephone or when both parents are together for the children (events, visitations etc), but more often that not it will come up at some point. Both parents need to be prepared to talk to the children about the hope of a reconciliation. When talking to your children please do not have an attitude about the idea or absent or custodial parent. Let the children know that the two of you have done all you can but "mommy and daddy" cannot be married anymore, but reassure them that the two of you will always be friends and will be there for the children. This could also be a time to explain to them about the different kinds of love and relationships. Explain that even thought you may not be married anymore but you both do still care about each other and each other's well-being but at this time the main concern is them (the children).
Never crush their hopes outright, but always reassure them that the two of you are still a team in regards to them. As parents, in order to raise children effectively during this time you need to put your personal feelings aside and focus on the well-being of the children. Do not bad mouth the other parent, talk down to the other parent, or let the children see the tension that may still remain between you. This is a time for the parents to work on forming a different kind of relationship, one of friendship and one that's cordial because neither one of you made the children alone. Even though the two of you may not be together, you must make decisions together that affect the children. I encourage divorced couples to seek professional help if you cannot do it on your own because not only are you hurting yourself you are hurting the people that mean the most to you both -- your children.
