One of the biggest changes in divorce is the family; what it means and what the new dynamics are going to be. As stated in my earlier post, the ideal family consists of a mother, father, and children; but that isn't always the case. In quite a few divorces, usually you have the primary or custodial parent and then (yes I'm saying it) the absent parent. Let me just say, there are adjustments to be made on either side. For the custodial parent the biggest change and challenge is having ALL the responsibilities on his or her shoulders. Doing it alone is a daunting task. If you are the primary parent, my suggestion to you is to seek as much support from extended family and friends as you can (if you are that fortunate). They will be your life savers. If you are totally alone as a single parent, I suggest you seek out support groups for single parents and if your city/town doesn't have one,why not start one?
The absent parent, of course, is just that-absent. This parent may feel alienated from the ex-spouse and children depending on how nasty the divorce was, which may be the reason he or she is not there. Honestly, there are probably a whole host of reasons why a parent is absent. The reasons could go from feeling rejected to being just trifling and they don't want to be in their childrens' lives anymore. Personally, I feel there should be no reason a parent should be absent, but it happens. The absent parent has to adjust to live on his or her own, with no one to take care of but themselves. My feeling about that-that's a pretty easy adjustment, but an adjustment no less.
Whether you are the primary parent or the absent parent, reassessing what makes a family is important. What is a family?
1.a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family (taken from merriam-webster.com).
A family doesn't have to be people that are related to you. Yes, a family can be made up of extended family beyond mother, father, and children, who live together, but it can also be a group of friends who see each other through the tough times; they share responsibilities, help rear the children, help one another out of binds, and lend an ear in times of crisis. That's what makes a family. It doesn't matter if you share blood or not.
If you are going through a divorce your family will change and you have to be willing to change with it. Part of a successful divorce recovery is realizing that change is inevitable and sometimes the "norms" don't always apply. Let go of the notion that a family has to have its traditional members. If you love, give love, receive love, and have people in your life that you couldn't see life without, then you have a family. Embrace it.
One of the questions you have to ask yourself if you have an opportunity to work things out with someone from your past is: "Do I want to go back down that road again?"
Most of us have asked ourselves that question at some point in time.I believe one of the primary reasons you would ask yourself that question is because of a lack of trust in an ex. If you have fear or a lack of trust in your current partner or an ex, you need to reevaluate things. One thing to ask yourself is: how important is trust to you? If you believe that you can have a relationship without much trust, or believe they can earn it back-go for it. But for others it's not quite that simple. For some, a breach of trust is the end of a relationship. If you ended a relationship because of a breach of trust, it is best to move on-do not even entertain the thought of taking that person back. Being able to trust is a big part of deciding whether or not you should stay with a partner or get back together with one.
I recently took a poll of sorts to see what people thought about relationships where there was no trust left. It was basically a unanimous decision to cut your losses and move on. Here's a look at a few of the comments:
"let it go...cuz if u don't trust...there is nothing left"- JVR
"U keep it moving....u can do bad all by urself"- CF
" no trust means there is no foundation pure and simple
. To continue to pursue is a waste of your time. There needs to be trust, love, commitment, and honesty. Without those four elements, its pretty much a wrap"- SC
Do I agree with that? Yes. Definitely.
Not being able to trust your mate, or ex can lead to a few unhealthy emotions and it can also physically drain you. I can see someone being suspicious of their mate constantly, always questioning his or her whereabouts, snooping, harboring resentment, etc. Not to mention the possible physical effects of living that way: sleeplessness, irritability, elevated stress level, unhealthy eating habits, etc. For those of us who have had unfaithful mates, we can relate. Being in a relationship without trust can consume you.
One thing to remember is: Everything that we do has consequences. Everything has a price, we just have to be willing to accept the cost.
Oh, and one more thing: While you may not trust your mate or ex partner, you should forgive them for whatever it is that he or she has done. If you want to reestablish trust (romantically or not), forgiveness is the only way that can happen.
Hmm...Forgiveness: How Hard Is It?...stay tuned
