Divorce and the 7 Stages of Grief

One of the hardest things to deal with or even talk about is the depression that accompanies divorce. It is said that divorce is similar to death, meaning the manner in how it's dealt with. The seven stages of grief applies to both death and divorce. The stages are: 1 shock, 2 denial, 3 anger, 4 guilt, 5 sorrow and depression, 6 acceptance, and 7 engaging life.

The thing to remember with grieving is that it doesn't always happen in order the way you see it above. You can jump around and experience different ones at different times. You will experience all of them at one point; but if you begin to feel stuck on #5, Sorrow & Depression, please seek help. It may help to talk to someone about your feelings. One thing that helped me was the realization that here I was sad and upset about things, but life goes on  for the other person and it sure doesn't stop for you. Here's a snapshot into my world:

Stages 1 & 2 didn't last long for me. Shock and Denial passed quickly. I was shocked for a minute and I felt like I was in some sort of twilght zone, which of course led to denial. For a week or two I said to myself "this can't be happening, there is just absolutely no way..." Hmmm, yes it was. Stage #3 Anger- now this stage is one that I still deal with. I was mad as hell. I am not so sure I was mad that it was ending, it was more of a "how could u do this to me?" "wth is wrong with you?" The way things were handled was just cruel and I do not wish what happened on my worst enemy. I became angry with myself for even being with this person bc he turned out to NOT be the person I thought he was. Honestly, I think the anger is more with myself than anyone else.

That thing called Guilt is Stage #4. I went through this one for sure. I felt like maybe if I were different things wouldn't have happened the way that they did. Things wouldn't have went so bad.Thank God I don't feel this anymore. I realized that sometimes we try to hold on to people God is trying to get us away from. I realize that I am me, and I have gone through what I've gone through for a reason; I still don't understand the why lol.

Stage #5, Sorrow and Depression is a tough one. I fought with this one bc of what divorce means. For a lot of us it means you've failed in your marriage/relationship. Maybe the fact that I failed at giving my kids what I didin't have. Maybe bc I thought I was done and I didn't have to worry about dating again-and now I do. I'm not sure it had anything to do with love. Through my grieving process I've realized a lot. One of the biggest realizations I've come to is this: I will not lay down and die just bc someone changes their mind about us and what we have...maybe he wasn't supposed to be here in the first place. I cannot and will not lose sleep and I must keep going. Have I cried over the end of things, yes. But I also think that once you've had your heart broken once it gets easier and easier to recover bc I believe the heart changes (maybe not always for the better). One thing's for sure, my heart isn't as rosy and as pliable as it once was. It's a little harder, doesn't trust as much, and my heart thinks that the word love is a 4 letter "bad" word. I'm still learning lol!

Acceptance! Stage #6. Coming to terms with things ending gets easier with time. It's been a long time but YES I have accepted it and it's a good thing. I cannot speak for anyone else, but for me divorce has been good; though it is not without its own batch of mistakes and tears.

Stage #7, Engaging Life. If you've got children you have no other option but to keep going. Engaging life, however, is embracing the things you've always loved before the marriage/relationship ended and what will be after it's done. You may find yourself loving yourself more standing on your own than you did attached.

Divorce is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You feel broken, tattered, torn, but you have to go through things in order to come out shining brighter than the sun. Hold on, be patient with yourself, love yourself (flaws and all), and things will change.

Redefining A Family

One of the biggest changes in divorce is the family; what it means and what the new dynamics are going to be. As stated in my earlier post, the ideal family consists of a mother, father, and children; but that isn't always the case. In quite a few divorces, usually you have the primary or custodial parent and then (yes I'm saying it) the absent parent. Let me just say, there are adjustments to be made on either side. For the custodial parent the biggest change and challenge is having ALL the responsibilities on his or her shoulders. Doing it alone is a daunting task. If you are the primary parent, my suggestion to you is to seek as much support from extended family and friends as you can (if you are that fortunate). They will be your life savers. If you are totally alone as a single parent, I suggest you seek out support groups for single parents and if your city/town doesn't have one,why not start one?

The absent parent, of course, is just that-absent. This parent may feel alienated from the ex-spouse and children depending on how nasty the divorce was, which may be the reason he or she is not there. Honestly, there are probably a whole host of reasons why a parent is absent. The reasons could go from feeling rejected to being just trifling and they don't want to be in their childrens' lives anymore. Personally, I feel there should be no reason a parent should be absent, but it happens. The absent parent has to adjust to live on his or her own, with no one to take care of but themselves. My feeling about that-that's a pretty easy adjustment, but an adjustment no less.

Whether you are the primary parent or the absent parent, reassessing what makes a family is important. What is a family? 
1.a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family (taken from merriam-webster.com).
A family doesn't have to be people that are related to you. Yes, a family can be made up of extended family beyond mother, father, and children, who live together, but it can also be a group of friends who see each other through the tough times; they share responsibilities, help rear the children, help one another out of binds, and lend an ear in times of crisis. That's what makes a family. It doesn't matter if you share blood or not.

If you are going through a divorce your family will change and you have to be willing to change with it. Part of a successful divorce recovery is realizing that change is inevitable and sometimes the "norms" don't always apply. Let go of the notion that a family has to have its traditional members. If you love, give love, receive love, and have people in your life that you couldn't see life without, then you have a family. Embrace it.

In The Land of OZ...

Seriously, there comes a point where enough is enough. Kids or not, the ties must be cut and the children can decide whether or not they actually want the absent parent in their lives. The children didn't ask to come here; two consenting adults (no matter how dumb or naive) decided that fate for them.

Think back, I'm sure you can remember the whole fairytale where mom and dad stick it out and do it together til their last days, but in reality it doesn't happen all that much anymore. We all cling to that ideal. And honestly, that's ok. Though divorced, I still want a stable home with a male and female figure for my children to look up to. I want them to know it can be done, but my life has taught them otherwise. Somewhere, I'm sure, you're wondering where did I go wrong? How did it get to this? This is not what it's supposed to be *all while screaming it's not fair!* I have been there and done that. But have you ever sat back and thought to yourself that maybe having one stable parent (with less drama) is better than a severely disfunctional home because you and your spouse don't get along?

Trust me it get's better. Don't beat yourself up over it. One loving parent is better than two warring ones. I know that not living up to the "ideal" we've all grown up with can make it seem like you're living in the land of OZ but it's ok. You're going to make it. Stay on the path of healing for yourself and your children and do the things you have always wanted to do for yourself that you may not have been able to do being attached/married. Focus on you and your dreams.

One thing that the primary parent will see is just how much of an interest the absent parent plays in the childrens' lives. How much or how little interest is certainly a window into the character of the person that you were once married to. If they fail miserably at co-parenting after divorce, it may not be your fault. Maybe they feel because they are not with  you then the obligation is done. Oh well it will be that parents' loss. Children who are rejected by the absent parent soon catch on and after a while, want nothing to do wtih the absent parent. Though the absent parent is quick to blame the primary parent, he or she must realize in most cases the child makes the decision.

Remember divorce itself is like living in the land of OZ, so be patient with you, your absent ex, and your children. This is an adjustment and divorce doesn't come with a manual.

A Funny Thing Happened....

After a brief attempt at reconciliation. I figured out that he and I are better off as friends. I don't know but what I've found is that we both bring out the worst in each other. It's like a bottle of water & vinegar mixed-it doesn't.

Let's face it, dating is hell or at least it is if you do not do the inner work. I'm figuring that out. Because dating is not all it's cracked up to be, it does not mean that you and your ex spouse belong together. If there are unresolved issues or questions, I encourage you all to get help (counseling) and work on things. As time goes on you may find that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. There are instances where ex-spouses work their differences out and make it work, but for others of us-it just doesn't.

Not being able to reconcile does not mean you're an utter failure, but maybe the two of you have just grown too far apart. Maybe you really do want different things.

Sometimes being friends for your children is the best gift you can give your children rather than giving it another go as a couple. I will also say that maybe, just maybe God didn't put you and your ex-spouse

together to begin with (just a random thought).

What's funny about all this? Now that my ex and I have decided to be friends, he believes it's ok to give me dating advice. While his advice is not all bad, can we just say AWKWARD! I understand that he doesn't want to see me hurt or get into a bad situation, there's just some lines you do not cross. What's good about this though, is the fact that we're at least comfortable enough to talk about that part of our lives WITHOUT divulging too much detail.

To tie in my previous post to this one I'm gonna say this: you know you have truly forgiven the one who has hurt you, when you can move on together in peace and go on towards the next phase in life.

Does he read this? Yes. Am I bothered by it? No. Honest conversation comes about because of this blog.

A Little Thing Called Trust

One of the questions you have to ask yourself if you have an opportunity to work things out with someone from your past is: "Do I want to go back down that road again?"

Most of us have asked ourselves that question at some point in time.I believe one of the primary reasons you would ask yourself that question is because of a lack of trust in an ex.  If you have fear or a lack of trust in your current partner or an ex, you need to reevaluate things. One thing to ask yourself is: how important is trust to you? If you believe that you can have a relationship without much trust, or believe they can earn it back-go for it. But for others it's not quite that simple. For some, a breach of trust is the end of a relationship. If you ended a relationship because of a breach of trust, it is best to move on-do not even entertain the thought of taking that person back. Being able to trust is a big part of deciding whether or not you should stay with a partner or get back together with one.

I recently took a poll of sorts to see what people thought about relationships where there was no trust left. It was basically a unanimous decision to cut your losses and move on. Here's a look at a few of the comments:

"let it go...cuz if u don't trust...there is nothing left"- JVR

 "U keep it moving....u can do bad all by urself"- CF

" no trust means there is no foundation pure and simple
. To continue to pursue is a waste of your time. There needs to be trust, love, commitment, and honesty. Without those four elements, its pretty much a wrap"- SC

Do I agree with that? Yes. Definitely.

Not being able to trust your mate, or ex can lead to a few unhealthy emotions and it can also physically drain you. I can see someone being suspicious of their mate constantly, always questioning his or her whereabouts, snooping, harboring resentment, etc. Not to mention the possible physical effects of living that way: sleeplessness, irritability, elevated stress level, unhealthy eating habits, etc. For those of us who have had unfaithful mates, we can relate. Being in a relationship without trust can consume you.

One thing to remember is: Everything that we do has consequences. Everything has a price, we just have to be willing to accept the cost.

Oh, and one more thing: While you may not trust your mate or ex partner, you should forgive them for whatever it is that he or she has done. If you want to reestablish trust (romantically or not), forgiveness is the only way that can happen.

Hmm...Forgiveness: How Hard Is It?...stay tuned

The Ex, The In-Laws and Death...Damn

Today I received a phone call from my ex husband today that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. Despite the fact that I may have some ill feelings about what happened between he and I and some of the things that went down, I do not, I repeat, do not wish the death of a parent on anyone.

My dilema in all of this is telling the children we share together. My personal belief is it is not my responsibility to be the one to tell them -- as the deceased grandparent is not my mother. The good news is that when I expressed my concern about it, we came to a decision to tell them together. I am quite sure I will probably have to be the more vocal parent because my guess is the ex husband will be too emotional to say too much.  The way I figure it, I'm not such a cold, hard, bitch that I can't be there for him at this present time -- I just hope he doesn't take my kindness and run with it -- As this is a one time deal.


So tomorrow is the day he'll make the trip here, face the reality of it all, and then of course his having the expectation that I will be there -- and I thought this is what his having a girl friend was all about. Isn't this her job? Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to face it with my grownwoman gear on and handle it. I am unsure of how my children are going to handle the death of their grandfather because that remains to be seen. Tomorrow will tell the tale. I just hope that they understand that death is a part of life and they will see him again. I'd like to think of it as my children having one more guardian angel on their side to help them get through this thing we call life.

How am I handling it? Well I don't do death. Yes, I know it is a part of life but I try not to think about it. Have I called my Ex MIL and give her my condolences -- not as of yet. But I will, I need time. She's not my favorite person but, again, I know I have to put my big girl draws on and do this.

Until Tomorrow...

When the Children Have Hope

It's a sticky situation when the children still have hope even though you as a parent knows that there's none. Children often have this idea of their parents being together forever but sometimes forever is a short while. No one, not even the parents go into this whole marriage thing with divorce on the agenda. So, of course, when it happens it becomes a shock for everyone. Deep down I don't even believe that the one who initiates it really knows what's in store until after the fact. But in the world of divorce children have the hardest time coming to grips with things. Personally, I believe that children have this hope for their parents to reunite never dies, but our role as parents is to make the transition easier for them and to gently help them accept that their parents are no longer one unit.


As a parent it is a heartbreaking thing to hear your child or children say that they want mommy n daddy to get back together. Sometimes children get these notions after talking to the absent parent on the telephone or when both parents are together for the children (events, visitations etc), but more often that not it will come up at some point. Both parents need to be prepared to talk to the children about the hope of a reconciliation. When talking to your children please do not have an attitude about the idea or absent or custodial parent. Let the children know that the two of you have done all you can but "mommy and daddy" cannot be married anymore, but reassure them that the two of you will always be friends and will be there for the children. This could also be a time to explain to them about the different kinds of love and relationships. Explain that even thought you  may not be married anymore but you both do still care about each other and each other's well-being but at this time the main concern is them (the children).

Never crush their hopes outright, but always reassure them that the two of you are still a team in regards to them. As parents, in order to raise children effectively during this time you need to put your personal feelings aside and focus on the well-being of the children. Do not bad mouth the other parent, talk down to the other parent, or let the children see the tension that may still remain between you. This is a time for the parents to work on forming a different kind of relationship, one of friendship and one that's cordial because neither one of you made the children alone. Even though the two of you may not be together, you must make decisions together that affect the children. I encourage divorced couples to seek professional help if you cannot do it on your own because not only are you hurting yourself you are hurting the people that mean the most to you both -- your children.

Reconciliation Considered...

Considering reconciliation? Personally, I believe that those of us who have gone through or are going through a divorce have toyed with the idea of reconciliation at some point. At this stage of the game now is the time to ask yourself if reconciliation is what you really want. My suggestion is to go back and make a list of the Pros and Cons of your marriage and see if it is worth salvaging. If the Pros outweigh the Cons then it is possible. Another question that is good to ask is how or why the two of you ended up divorcing in the first place. The most important question of all (in my opinion) is have you forgiven the ex spouse and have you moved through the initial hurt. If the answer to those two questions is a "NO" then it would be safe to say that reconciliation needs to be put off a bit.


If you are considering reconciliation try to remember what it is about the ex spouse that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Also, if the two of you still have unresolved issues to work through seek help before totally committing to putting things back together. I say that simply because if unresolved issues are not tackled outright repeat problems are more likely to occur between you.


What if one ex spouse wants to reconcile and the other does not? This is the simplest of all: Move On! The spouse that may not want to reconcile may still have issues regarding the divorce-he or she may still be angry, mad, or sad. Another factor in not wanting to reconcile may be time. Too much or too little time may have passed. In terms of too much time, it could simply mean that the ex spouse has finally become used to life without the other spouse and likes things the way they are. As for too little time, it could simply mean that the ex spouse may not have had time to process things and move through the emotions of what has happend and still needs time to heal.


Whatever the case may be reconciliation is a touchy subject and should not be taken lightly. It is strictly a personal choice and only you can answer YES or No and why. Remember, whatever your stance on the subject be clear with your ex spouse what your position is and be able to back it up.

Riding the Rollercoaster

The rollercoaster of divorce is a turbulent ride. One minute you can't believe this is happening; the next minute you're ready to see him go; 30 seconds after that you're mad as hell and ready to burn all the reminders you can find. While you may be reading this and thinking wow - do not forget these extreme emotions are completely normal. You may believe you are losing your mind and it's ok because you're really not. When going through a divorce you have to allow yourself to authentically feel your emotions, but the trick is to not let the emotions take over your life.


Anger, sadness, and resentment that may be built up over time can lead to depression. That is what you do not want. Those of us going through a divorce want to be able to heal, feel, love and be loved again but the process is hard. You may even feel as though you may never love again..keep telling yourself that and that's exactly what you will bring into your life. The Bible says "as a man thinketh so is he" and that is true. It is ok to feel those emotions but remember - in order for you to be at your best you must move through those emotions and learn from it.


Another set of emotions you may feel initially is relief, elation, and perhaps a sense of contentment. These 3 emotions are ones that I believe we all want to feel, hold on to, and keep. The thing about feeling these emotions so early in the game is that it's a facade. When these emotions are felt early on the fact is you are feeling a sense of hope for the future and perhaps the reality of what is really happening has not set in yet. The sad truth is a crash may be around the corner, but the good news is this is just part of the rollercoaster and the crash doesnt last that long.


Remember recovering from divorce is a process and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. You will be standing tall, taking a tumble or fall, and picking yourself back up again (in terms of this divorce) several times. The issue is not whether or not we fall but if we pick ourselves up off the ground.




During this highly emotional time it is VERY important that you seek out a support system. A support system can be family, friends, co-workers, pastor and church family, or a divorce support group. Having someone you can talk to and vent to is a big help.


Divorce is a time to rediscover who you are and find out what you and only you want out of life. One of the ways to do that is to let go of the negativity around you, including negative people. Divorce can drain you of the energies especially the positive energies you have within. Take time out to nurture yourself and take care of yourself. Find ways to put the positive energy back in.

So, It's Over...Now What?

The hardest part about an impending divorce is the uncertainty. It can be a scary process, but I am here to tell you it's ok and you can get through this.


Before you sign anything figure out what you've both brought to the table and what it is you both can afford to give up (this is easier when you have a partner that still gives a damn). This is an expensive game so it's important to learn how to play. It's a draining process trying to figure out who gets the house, car(s), other assets, and even the children.


My own personal belief when it comes to all this is: ladies make sure you have your own bank account separate from your husbands. Make sure you have enough money in there to support yourself and any children you may have.


Now is the time to make an appointment with a lawyer and try to figure out what your options are. Here's a word of advice on seeing a lawyer: take a friend with you because at this point you are in a vulnerable state and you are bound to forget important questions to ask. Your friend is there to help you and offer support.


Knowing that divorce is eminent you MUST tie up any loose ends financially. This is also the time to make a budget and figure out how you and your children can live with less. You will be living off your income (if not now you will be later). Making an appointment with an accountant or financial consultant isn't a bad idea.


If you are a SAHM (stay at home mom) PLEASE take this advice: take some money for yourself every week out of his pay and deposit it into your OWN bank account. This will allow you to save money for any emergencies you may have and help you get along financially during the transition. One other thing, if you stay married and continue to pocket the money use it for a nice vacation! This piece of advice was given by Suze Orman some years ago during an appearance on Oprah. When she said it I was a sahm at the time and did not take that advice..when I left I had $90 to my name. Please Please Please take this advice.


If you need any assistance finding employment, housing, medical care (once you are dropped from his insurance), day care, etc. there are resources in each individual state to help you. There are organizations in each state that help stay at home mothers become employable again after a hiatus from the workforce - even some temp agencies have programs for displaced homemakers.


I know this can be a bumpy ride, just hold on - keep the faith-do not give up. All things happen for a reason and I know that you may not understand the reasoning right now but clarity is coming. Our life experiences are not in vain. This is a test, only a test...divorce is something that will definitely test your strength, will, and determination. If you do not consider yourself a strong woman, you will, because after going through something like this you will have developed your own strength.


It is my belief that sometimes divorce causes us as women to fall in love with ourselves for a change and enables us to stop looking to validate someone else, but to take time out for us.


*the advertised book is one that helped me get a grip on things and I still use it today when I need a little more guidance*

Those dreaded words..

Before the divorce is in full swing, I am sure that your soon to be ex has muttered one of these phrases:

• "I don't love you anymore"
• "Maybe we should take some time apart"
• "It's not you, it's me"

The list is endless. I just decided to list some of the more popular ones. After hearing whatever phrase your soon to be ex uses take some time to absorb what has been said. I am sure the initial reaction will be one of two things: sadness and / or anger. That is normal. This is the point in time where you may, perhaps want to be alone or call a friend to vent. Whatever is going to help you clear your head. Do it.

The one thing you do not want to do is beat up on yourself or blame yourself totally. In a marriage it takes two and when it ends the fault is on both sides. Here's one thing to consider - your soon to be ex has said those words..so now what? Take some time to figure out if you yourself feels any differently towards your soon to be ex. This is the time to reevaluate what you want and where you want to go.