Putting the Pieces Back Together (can't belive I let this one linger in cyberspace for so long!)

So it's over, done; what now? The first thing is to find your way back to you. What makes you a whole person outside of being someone's spouse or partner? I would encourage you to make a list of all the things you want to do. All the things that you would have done if you hadn't been married. Make it your mission to accomplish those things. Do not stop living or doing what you NEED to do for you or your children. My philosophy is this: they haven't stopped and LIFE HASN'T STOPPED because the two of you are no longer married; so why should you? Put a smile on your face, put your best foot foward and keep going. Make your life as full as you can make it. Fill your life with good friends, good food, good music, laughter, creativity, and a good dose of GOD; everything else will fall into place and all will be well.

Put yourself first for a change. If all you've been living for is a husband/wife/partner and children, you've probably lost a good bit of you along the way. Use this time to get reaquainted with you. You may even find out there's new things you want to do or try; new places you want to go, or even start a new career. Again, before you can embark on something new, you must put to rest the past. Do the work inside yourself in order to reestablish peace inside yourself in order to have the courage to do something different. I know for those of  you who read my blog, you're going to get tired of this one... but guess what-you can't start putting the pieces back together without FORGIVENESS. As I've said before, I'll be spending a lot of time on forgiveness from here on out; besides, that's how you HEAL.

When the Children Have Hope

It's a sticky situation when the children still have hope even though you as a parent knows that there's none. Children often have this idea of their parents being together forever but sometimes forever is a short while. No one, not even the parents go into this whole marriage thing with divorce on the agenda. So, of course, when it happens it becomes a shock for everyone. Deep down I don't even believe that the one who initiates it really knows what's in store until after the fact. But in the world of divorce children have the hardest time coming to grips with things. Personally, I believe that children have this hope for their parents to reunite never dies, but our role as parents is to make the transition easier for them and to gently help them accept that their parents are no longer one unit.


As a parent it is a heartbreaking thing to hear your child or children say that they want mommy n daddy to get back together. Sometimes children get these notions after talking to the absent parent on the telephone or when both parents are together for the children (events, visitations etc), but more often that not it will come up at some point. Both parents need to be prepared to talk to the children about the hope of a reconciliation. When talking to your children please do not have an attitude about the idea or absent or custodial parent. Let the children know that the two of you have done all you can but "mommy and daddy" cannot be married anymore, but reassure them that the two of you will always be friends and will be there for the children. This could also be a time to explain to them about the different kinds of love and relationships. Explain that even thought you  may not be married anymore but you both do still care about each other and each other's well-being but at this time the main concern is them (the children).

Never crush their hopes outright, but always reassure them that the two of you are still a team in regards to them. As parents, in order to raise children effectively during this time you need to put your personal feelings aside and focus on the well-being of the children. Do not bad mouth the other parent, talk down to the other parent, or let the children see the tension that may still remain between you. This is a time for the parents to work on forming a different kind of relationship, one of friendship and one that's cordial because neither one of you made the children alone. Even though the two of you may not be together, you must make decisions together that affect the children. I encourage divorced couples to seek professional help if you cannot do it on your own because not only are you hurting yourself you are hurting the people that mean the most to you both -- your children.

So, It's Over...Now What?

The hardest part about an impending divorce is the uncertainty. It can be a scary process, but I am here to tell you it's ok and you can get through this.


Before you sign anything figure out what you've both brought to the table and what it is you both can afford to give up (this is easier when you have a partner that still gives a damn). This is an expensive game so it's important to learn how to play. It's a draining process trying to figure out who gets the house, car(s), other assets, and even the children.


My own personal belief when it comes to all this is: ladies make sure you have your own bank account separate from your husbands. Make sure you have enough money in there to support yourself and any children you may have.


Now is the time to make an appointment with a lawyer and try to figure out what your options are. Here's a word of advice on seeing a lawyer: take a friend with you because at this point you are in a vulnerable state and you are bound to forget important questions to ask. Your friend is there to help you and offer support.


Knowing that divorce is eminent you MUST tie up any loose ends financially. This is also the time to make a budget and figure out how you and your children can live with less. You will be living off your income (if not now you will be later). Making an appointment with an accountant or financial consultant isn't a bad idea.


If you are a SAHM (stay at home mom) PLEASE take this advice: take some money for yourself every week out of his pay and deposit it into your OWN bank account. This will allow you to save money for any emergencies you may have and help you get along financially during the transition. One other thing, if you stay married and continue to pocket the money use it for a nice vacation! This piece of advice was given by Suze Orman some years ago during an appearance on Oprah. When she said it I was a sahm at the time and did not take that advice..when I left I had $90 to my name. Please Please Please take this advice.


If you need any assistance finding employment, housing, medical care (once you are dropped from his insurance), day care, etc. there are resources in each individual state to help you. There are organizations in each state that help stay at home mothers become employable again after a hiatus from the workforce - even some temp agencies have programs for displaced homemakers.


I know this can be a bumpy ride, just hold on - keep the faith-do not give up. All things happen for a reason and I know that you may not understand the reasoning right now but clarity is coming. Our life experiences are not in vain. This is a test, only a test...divorce is something that will definitely test your strength, will, and determination. If you do not consider yourself a strong woman, you will, because after going through something like this you will have developed your own strength.


It is my belief that sometimes divorce causes us as women to fall in love with ourselves for a change and enables us to stop looking to validate someone else, but to take time out for us.


*the advertised book is one that helped me get a grip on things and I still use it today when I need a little more guidance*