Putting the Pieces Back Together (can't belive I let this one linger in cyberspace for so long!)

So it's over, done; what now? The first thing is to find your way back to you. What makes you a whole person outside of being someone's spouse or partner? I would encourage you to make a list of all the things you want to do. All the things that you would have done if you hadn't been married. Make it your mission to accomplish those things. Do not stop living or doing what you NEED to do for you or your children. My philosophy is this: they haven't stopped and LIFE HASN'T STOPPED because the two of you are no longer married; so why should you? Put a smile on your face, put your best foot foward and keep going. Make your life as full as you can make it. Fill your life with good friends, good food, good music, laughter, creativity, and a good dose of GOD; everything else will fall into place and all will be well.

Put yourself first for a change. If all you've been living for is a husband/wife/partner and children, you've probably lost a good bit of you along the way. Use this time to get reaquainted with you. You may even find out there's new things you want to do or try; new places you want to go, or even start a new career. Again, before you can embark on something new, you must put to rest the past. Do the work inside yourself in order to reestablish peace inside yourself in order to have the courage to do something different. I know for those of  you who read my blog, you're going to get tired of this one... but guess what-you can't start putting the pieces back together without FORGIVENESS. As I've said before, I'll be spending a lot of time on forgiveness from here on out; besides, that's how you HEAL.

Forgiveness: An Act of Love

Hate feels toxic doesn't it? Hating someone brings more harm to the hater than the person being hated. That concept is something (I believe) that goes out the window when someone does something to you. When a person is wronged, the only thing on the person's mind is fixing it-one way or another. You might be the type of person that holds a grudge against another- saying, "I will never speak to this person again!" or saying, "I hate you, you're dead to me!" We don't realize just how toxic and harmful that is.

Hate raises your blood pressure, makes you irritable, sleepless, mean, unapproachable, and down right sick inside. The only way to combat the ugliness and harm caused by hate is through FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness, however, for a lot of us, is harder than it should be. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. There's also not a time-table for how long it takes to forgive, so don't beat yourself up, if you happen to take longer than you think you should. Forgiveness is a process. I'll be the first to say that yes, it is hard, but it's worth it. Visualize the person you're mad at going on with their life and they are happy, then take a look at yourself in the mirror. You're mad, seething even, it's not a good look. Hate makes you look weighed down, heavy, burdened-the opposite of happy. You would be carrying the burden of what happened and the person you're mad at has moved on and is truly HAPPY. In turn, that would only make you even madder (what a hoot!). Crazy I know, but that's life.

Lighten up, realize that you are both human and you make mistakes. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night-be patient with yourself. I'm sure you've all heard the saying "fake it til you make it"- that's what you may have to do in the beginning. Tell yourself that you forgive this person until you wake up one day and realize, "yes, yes I do."

Remember, the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive. It's about you and your well-being, not theirs. So show yourself some kindness, and learn to forgive others.

*yes this is a divorce blog, but life goes beyond divorce-forgiveness applies to anyone about anything*

A Little Thing Called Trust

One of the questions you have to ask yourself if you have an opportunity to work things out with someone from your past is: "Do I want to go back down that road again?"

Most of us have asked ourselves that question at some point in time.I believe one of the primary reasons you would ask yourself that question is because of a lack of trust in an ex.  If you have fear or a lack of trust in your current partner or an ex, you need to reevaluate things. One thing to ask yourself is: how important is trust to you? If you believe that you can have a relationship without much trust, or believe they can earn it back-go for it. But for others it's not quite that simple. For some, a breach of trust is the end of a relationship. If you ended a relationship because of a breach of trust, it is best to move on-do not even entertain the thought of taking that person back. Being able to trust is a big part of deciding whether or not you should stay with a partner or get back together with one.

I recently took a poll of sorts to see what people thought about relationships where there was no trust left. It was basically a unanimous decision to cut your losses and move on. Here's a look at a few of the comments:

"let it go...cuz if u don't trust...there is nothing left"- JVR

 "U keep it moving....u can do bad all by urself"- CF

" no trust means there is no foundation pure and simple
. To continue to pursue is a waste of your time. There needs to be trust, love, commitment, and honesty. Without those four elements, its pretty much a wrap"- SC

Do I agree with that? Yes. Definitely.

Not being able to trust your mate, or ex can lead to a few unhealthy emotions and it can also physically drain you. I can see someone being suspicious of their mate constantly, always questioning his or her whereabouts, snooping, harboring resentment, etc. Not to mention the possible physical effects of living that way: sleeplessness, irritability, elevated stress level, unhealthy eating habits, etc. For those of us who have had unfaithful mates, we can relate. Being in a relationship without trust can consume you.

One thing to remember is: Everything that we do has consequences. Everything has a price, we just have to be willing to accept the cost.

Oh, and one more thing: While you may not trust your mate or ex partner, you should forgive them for whatever it is that he or she has done. If you want to reestablish trust (romantically or not), forgiveness is the only way that can happen.

Hmm...Forgiveness: How Hard Is It?...stay tuned