The rollercoaster of divorce is a turbulent ride. One minute you can't believe this is happening; the next minute you're ready to see him go; 30 seconds after that you're mad as hell and ready to burn all the reminders you can find. While you may be reading this and thinking wow - do not forget these extreme emotions are completely normal. You may believe you are losing your mind and it's ok because you're really not. When going through a divorce you have to allow yourself to authentically feel your emotions, but the trick is to not let the emotions take over your life.
Anger, sadness, and resentment that may be built up over time can lead to depression. That is what you do not want. Those of us going through a divorce want to be able to heal, feel, love and be loved again but the process is hard. You may even feel as though you may never love again..keep telling yourself that and that's exactly what you will bring into your life. The Bible says "as a man thinketh so is he" and that is true. It is ok to feel those emotions but remember - in order for you to be at your best you must move through those emotions and learn from it.
Another set of emotions you may feel initially is relief, elation, and perhaps a sense of contentment. These 3 emotions are ones that I believe we all want to feel, hold on to, and keep. The thing about feeling these emotions so early in the game is that it's a facade. When these emotions are felt early on the fact is you are feeling a sense of hope for the future and perhaps the reality of what is really happening has not set in yet. The sad truth is a crash may be around the corner, but the good news is this is just part of the rollercoaster and the crash doesnt last that long.
Remember recovering from divorce is a process and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. You will be standing tall, taking a tumble or fall, and picking yourself back up again (in terms of this divorce) several times. The issue is not whether or not we fall but if we pick ourselves up off the ground.
During this highly emotional time it is VERY important that you seek out a support system. A support system can be family, friends, co-workers, pastor and church family, or a divorce support group. Having someone you can talk to and vent to is a big help.
Divorce is a time to rediscover who you are and find out what you and only you want out of life. One of the ways to do that is to let go of the negativity around you, including negative people. Divorce can drain you of the energies especially the positive energies you have within. Take time out to nurture yourself and take care of yourself. Find ways to put the positive energy back in.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
So, It's Over...Now What?
The hardest part about an impending divorce is the uncertainty. It can be a scary process, but I am here to tell you it's ok and you can get through this.
Before you sign anything figure out what you've both brought to the table and what it is you both can afford to give up (this is easier when you have a partner that still gives a damn). This is an expensive game so it's important to learn how to play. It's a draining process trying to figure out who gets the house, car(s), other assets, and even the children.
My own personal belief when it comes to all this is: ladies make sure you have your own bank account separate from your husbands. Make sure you have enough money in there to support yourself and any children you may have.
Now is the time to make an appointment with a lawyer and try to figure out what your options are. Here's a word of advice on seeing a lawyer: take a friend with you because at this point you are in a vulnerable state and you are bound to forget important questions to ask. Your friend is there to help you and offer support.
Knowing that divorce is eminent you MUST tie up any loose ends financially. This is also the time to make a budget and figure out how you and your children can live with less. You will be living off your income (if not now you will be later). Making an appointment with an accountant or financial consultant isn't a bad idea.
If you are a SAHM (stay at home mom) PLEASE take this advice: take some money for yourself every week out of his pay and deposit it into your OWN bank account. This will allow you to save money for any emergencies you may have and help you get along financially during the transition. One other thing, if you stay married and continue to pocket the money use it for a nice vacation! This piece of advice was given by Suze Orman some years ago during an appearance on Oprah. When she said it I was a sahm at the time and did not take that advice..when I left I had $90 to my name. Please Please Please take this advice.
If you need any assistance finding employment, housing, medical care (once you are dropped from his insurance), day care, etc. there are resources in each individual state to help you. There are organizations in each state that help stay at home mothers become employable again after a hiatus from the workforce - even some temp agencies have programs for displaced homemakers.
I know this can be a bumpy ride, just hold on - keep the faith-do not give up. All things happen for a reason and I know that you may not understand the reasoning right now but clarity is coming. Our life experiences are not in vain. This is a test, only a test...divorce is something that will definitely test your strength, will, and determination. If you do not consider yourself a strong woman, you will, because after going through something like this you will have developed your own strength.
It is my belief that sometimes divorce causes us as women to fall in love with ourselves for a change and enables us to stop looking to validate someone else, but to take time out for us.
*the advertised book is one that helped me get a grip on things and I still use it today when I need a little more guidance*
Before you sign anything figure out what you've both brought to the table and what it is you both can afford to give up (this is easier when you have a partner that still gives a damn). This is an expensive game so it's important to learn how to play. It's a draining process trying to figure out who gets the house, car(s), other assets, and even the children.
My own personal belief when it comes to all this is: ladies make sure you have your own bank account separate from your husbands. Make sure you have enough money in there to support yourself and any children you may have.
Now is the time to make an appointment with a lawyer and try to figure out what your options are. Here's a word of advice on seeing a lawyer: take a friend with you because at this point you are in a vulnerable state and you are bound to forget important questions to ask. Your friend is there to help you and offer support.
Knowing that divorce is eminent you MUST tie up any loose ends financially. This is also the time to make a budget and figure out how you and your children can live with less. You will be living off your income (if not now you will be later). Making an appointment with an accountant or financial consultant isn't a bad idea.
If you are a SAHM (stay at home mom) PLEASE take this advice: take some money for yourself every week out of his pay and deposit it into your OWN bank account. This will allow you to save money for any emergencies you may have and help you get along financially during the transition. One other thing, if you stay married and continue to pocket the money use it for a nice vacation! This piece of advice was given by Suze Orman some years ago during an appearance on Oprah. When she said it I was a sahm at the time and did not take that advice..when I left I had $90 to my name. Please Please Please take this advice.
If you need any assistance finding employment, housing, medical care (once you are dropped from his insurance), day care, etc. there are resources in each individual state to help you. There are organizations in each state that help stay at home mothers become employable again after a hiatus from the workforce - even some temp agencies have programs for displaced homemakers.
I know this can be a bumpy ride, just hold on - keep the faith-do not give up. All things happen for a reason and I know that you may not understand the reasoning right now but clarity is coming. Our life experiences are not in vain. This is a test, only a test...divorce is something that will definitely test your strength, will, and determination. If you do not consider yourself a strong woman, you will, because after going through something like this you will have developed your own strength.
It is my belief that sometimes divorce causes us as women to fall in love with ourselves for a change and enables us to stop looking to validate someone else, but to take time out for us.
*the advertised book is one that helped me get a grip on things and I still use it today when I need a little more guidance*
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Those dreaded words..
Before the divorce is in full swing, I am sure that your soon to be ex has muttered one of these phrases:
- "I don't love you anymore"
- "Maybe we should take some time apart"
- "It's not you, it's me"
The list is endless. I just decided to list some of the more popular ones. After hearing whatever phrase your soon to be ex uses take some time to absorb what has been said. I am sure the initial reaction will be one of two things: sadness and / or anger. That is normal. This is the point in time where you may, perhaps want to be alone or call a friend to vent. Whatever is going to help you clear your head. Do it.
The one thing you do not want to do is beat up on yourself or blame yourself totally. In a marriage it takes two and when it ends the fault is on both sides. Here's one thing to consider - your soon to be ex has said those words..so now what? Take some time to figure out if you yourself feels any differently towards your soon to be ex. This is the time to reevaluate what you want and where you want to go.
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