Divorce and the 7 Stages of Grief

One of the hardest things to deal with or even talk about is the depression that accompanies divorce. It is said that divorce is similar to death, meaning the manner in how it's dealt with. The seven stages of grief applies to both death and divorce. The stages are: 1 shock, 2 denial, 3 anger, 4 guilt, 5 sorrow and depression, 6 acceptance, and 7 engaging life.

The thing to remember with grieving is that it doesn't always happen in order the way you see it above. You can jump around and experience different ones at different times. You will experience all of them at one point; but if you begin to feel stuck on #5, Sorrow & Depression, please seek help. It may help to talk to someone about your feelings. One thing that helped me was the realization that here I was sad and upset about things, but life goes on  for the other person and it sure doesn't stop for you. Here's a snapshot into my world:

Stages 1 & 2 didn't last long for me. Shock and Denial passed quickly. I was shocked for a minute and I felt like I was in some sort of twilght zone, which of course led to denial. For a week or two I said to myself "this can't be happening, there is just absolutely no way..." Hmmm, yes it was. Stage #3 Anger- now this stage is one that I still deal with. I was mad as hell. I am not so sure I was mad that it was ending, it was more of a "how could u do this to me?" "wth is wrong with you?" The way things were handled was just cruel and I do not wish what happened on my worst enemy. I became angry with myself for even being with this person bc he turned out to NOT be the person I thought he was. Honestly, I think the anger is more with myself than anyone else.

That thing called Guilt is Stage #4. I went through this one for sure. I felt like maybe if I were different things wouldn't have happened the way that they did. Things wouldn't have went so bad.Thank God I don't feel this anymore. I realized that sometimes we try to hold on to people God is trying to get us away from. I realize that I am me, and I have gone through what I've gone through for a reason; I still don't understand the why lol.

Stage #5, Sorrow and Depression is a tough one. I fought with this one bc of what divorce means. For a lot of us it means you've failed in your marriage/relationship. Maybe the fact that I failed at giving my kids what I didin't have. Maybe bc I thought I was done and I didn't have to worry about dating again-and now I do. I'm not sure it had anything to do with love. Through my grieving process I've realized a lot. One of the biggest realizations I've come to is this: I will not lay down and die just bc someone changes their mind about us and what we have...maybe he wasn't supposed to be here in the first place. I cannot and will not lose sleep and I must keep going. Have I cried over the end of things, yes. But I also think that once you've had your heart broken once it gets easier and easier to recover bc I believe the heart changes (maybe not always for the better). One thing's for sure, my heart isn't as rosy and as pliable as it once was. It's a little harder, doesn't trust as much, and my heart thinks that the word love is a 4 letter "bad" word. I'm still learning lol!

Acceptance! Stage #6. Coming to terms with things ending gets easier with time. It's been a long time but YES I have accepted it and it's a good thing. I cannot speak for anyone else, but for me divorce has been good; though it is not without its own batch of mistakes and tears.

Stage #7, Engaging Life. If you've got children you have no other option but to keep going. Engaging life, however, is embracing the things you've always loved before the marriage/relationship ended and what will be after it's done. You may find yourself loving yourself more standing on your own than you did attached.

Divorce is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You feel broken, tattered, torn, but you have to go through things in order to come out shining brighter than the sun. Hold on, be patient with yourself, love yourself (flaws and all), and things will change.

Redefining A Family

One of the biggest changes in divorce is the family; what it means and what the new dynamics are going to be. As stated in my earlier post, the ideal family consists of a mother, father, and children; but that isn't always the case. In quite a few divorces, usually you have the primary or custodial parent and then (yes I'm saying it) the absent parent. Let me just say, there are adjustments to be made on either side. For the custodial parent the biggest change and challenge is having ALL the responsibilities on his or her shoulders. Doing it alone is a daunting task. If you are the primary parent, my suggestion to you is to seek as much support from extended family and friends as you can (if you are that fortunate). They will be your life savers. If you are totally alone as a single parent, I suggest you seek out support groups for single parents and if your city/town doesn't have one,why not start one?

The absent parent, of course, is just that-absent. This parent may feel alienated from the ex-spouse and children depending on how nasty the divorce was, which may be the reason he or she is not there. Honestly, there are probably a whole host of reasons why a parent is absent. The reasons could go from feeling rejected to being just trifling and they don't want to be in their childrens' lives anymore. Personally, I feel there should be no reason a parent should be absent, but it happens. The absent parent has to adjust to live on his or her own, with no one to take care of but themselves. My feeling about that-that's a pretty easy adjustment, but an adjustment no less.

Whether you are the primary parent or the absent parent, reassessing what makes a family is important. What is a family? 
1.a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2. the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family (taken from merriam-webster.com).
A family doesn't have to be people that are related to you. Yes, a family can be made up of extended family beyond mother, father, and children, who live together, but it can also be a group of friends who see each other through the tough times; they share responsibilities, help rear the children, help one another out of binds, and lend an ear in times of crisis. That's what makes a family. It doesn't matter if you share blood or not.

If you are going through a divorce your family will change and you have to be willing to change with it. Part of a successful divorce recovery is realizing that change is inevitable and sometimes the "norms" don't always apply. Let go of the notion that a family has to have its traditional members. If you love, give love, receive love, and have people in your life that you couldn't see life without, then you have a family. Embrace it.