Update to The Ex, Inlaws and Death

Big surprise when I say that I ended up having to tell them myself. What's so sad about it though was the reaction of the children. They were not phased at all. So that goes to show what kind of relationship the children have with their paternal grandparents. The good thing about that is the fact that I understand. I was closer to my mother's family than my father's family -- truthfully those ppl don't exist for me. So for my children to not show so much emotion about it -- I get it. It's the kind of situation where it never really mattered whether or not their son and I stayed married or not -- they were not gonna be there point blank.

So, what happened at the memorial/funeral? If they had a memorial for him I was not aware. I guess there was so much family drama it hindered what was supposed to be taking place --mourning a man's life. So not only did my children not show too much emotion they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Long story short I am beyond grateful I have nothing to do with any of that anymore.

This week's topic: Coming to grips with the character of your former mate

The Ex, The In-Laws and Death...Damn

Today I received a phone call from my ex husband today that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. Despite the fact that I may have some ill feelings about what happened between he and I and some of the things that went down, I do not, I repeat, do not wish the death of a parent on anyone.

My dilema in all of this is telling the children we share together. My personal belief is it is not my responsibility to be the one to tell them -- as the deceased grandparent is not my mother. The good news is that when I expressed my concern about it, we came to a decision to tell them together. I am quite sure I will probably have to be the more vocal parent because my guess is the ex husband will be too emotional to say too much.  The way I figure it, I'm not such a cold, hard, bitch that I can't be there for him at this present time -- I just hope he doesn't take my kindness and run with it -- As this is a one time deal.


So tomorrow is the day he'll make the trip here, face the reality of it all, and then of course his having the expectation that I will be there -- and I thought this is what his having a girl friend was all about. Isn't this her job? Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to face it with my grownwoman gear on and handle it. I am unsure of how my children are going to handle the death of their grandfather because that remains to be seen. Tomorrow will tell the tale. I just hope that they understand that death is a part of life and they will see him again. I'd like to think of it as my children having one more guardian angel on their side to help them get through this thing we call life.

How am I handling it? Well I don't do death. Yes, I know it is a part of life but I try not to think about it. Have I called my Ex MIL and give her my condolences -- not as of yet. But I will, I need time. She's not my favorite person but, again, I know I have to put my big girl draws on and do this.

Until Tomorrow...

When the Children Have Hope

It's a sticky situation when the children still have hope even though you as a parent knows that there's none. Children often have this idea of their parents being together forever but sometimes forever is a short while. No one, not even the parents go into this whole marriage thing with divorce on the agenda. So, of course, when it happens it becomes a shock for everyone. Deep down I don't even believe that the one who initiates it really knows what's in store until after the fact. But in the world of divorce children have the hardest time coming to grips with things. Personally, I believe that children have this hope for their parents to reunite never dies, but our role as parents is to make the transition easier for them and to gently help them accept that their parents are no longer one unit.


As a parent it is a heartbreaking thing to hear your child or children say that they want mommy n daddy to get back together. Sometimes children get these notions after talking to the absent parent on the telephone or when both parents are together for the children (events, visitations etc), but more often that not it will come up at some point. Both parents need to be prepared to talk to the children about the hope of a reconciliation. When talking to your children please do not have an attitude about the idea or absent or custodial parent. Let the children know that the two of you have done all you can but "mommy and daddy" cannot be married anymore, but reassure them that the two of you will always be friends and will be there for the children. This could also be a time to explain to them about the different kinds of love and relationships. Explain that even thought you  may not be married anymore but you both do still care about each other and each other's well-being but at this time the main concern is them (the children).

Never crush their hopes outright, but always reassure them that the two of you are still a team in regards to them. As parents, in order to raise children effectively during this time you need to put your personal feelings aside and focus on the well-being of the children. Do not bad mouth the other parent, talk down to the other parent, or let the children see the tension that may still remain between you. This is a time for the parents to work on forming a different kind of relationship, one of friendship and one that's cordial because neither one of you made the children alone. Even though the two of you may not be together, you must make decisions together that affect the children. I encourage divorced couples to seek professional help if you cannot do it on your own because not only are you hurting yourself you are hurting the people that mean the most to you both -- your children.

Reconciliation Considered...

Considering reconciliation? Personally, I believe that those of us who have gone through or are going through a divorce have toyed with the idea of reconciliation at some point. At this stage of the game now is the time to ask yourself if reconciliation is what you really want. My suggestion is to go back and make a list of the Pros and Cons of your marriage and see if it is worth salvaging. If the Pros outweigh the Cons then it is possible. Another question that is good to ask is how or why the two of you ended up divorcing in the first place. The most important question of all (in my opinion) is have you forgiven the ex spouse and have you moved through the initial hurt. If the answer to those two questions is a "NO" then it would be safe to say that reconciliation needs to be put off a bit.


If you are considering reconciliation try to remember what it is about the ex spouse that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Also, if the two of you still have unresolved issues to work through seek help before totally committing to putting things back together. I say that simply because if unresolved issues are not tackled outright repeat problems are more likely to occur between you.


What if one ex spouse wants to reconcile and the other does not? This is the simplest of all: Move On! The spouse that may not want to reconcile may still have issues regarding the divorce-he or she may still be angry, mad, or sad. Another factor in not wanting to reconcile may be time. Too much or too little time may have passed. In terms of too much time, it could simply mean that the ex spouse has finally become used to life without the other spouse and likes things the way they are. As for too little time, it could simply mean that the ex spouse may not have had time to process things and move through the emotions of what has happend and still needs time to heal.


Whatever the case may be reconciliation is a touchy subject and should not be taken lightly. It is strictly a personal choice and only you can answer YES or No and why. Remember, whatever your stance on the subject be clear with your ex spouse what your position is and be able to back it up.

Riding the Rollercoaster

The rollercoaster of divorce is a turbulent ride. One minute you can't believe this is happening; the next minute you're ready to see him go; 30 seconds after that you're mad as hell and ready to burn all the reminders you can find. While you may be reading this and thinking wow - do not forget these extreme emotions are completely normal. You may believe you are losing your mind and it's ok because you're really not. When going through a divorce you have to allow yourself to authentically feel your emotions, but the trick is to not let the emotions take over your life.


Anger, sadness, and resentment that may be built up over time can lead to depression. That is what you do not want. Those of us going through a divorce want to be able to heal, feel, love and be loved again but the process is hard. You may even feel as though you may never love again..keep telling yourself that and that's exactly what you will bring into your life. The Bible says "as a man thinketh so is he" and that is true. It is ok to feel those emotions but remember - in order for you to be at your best you must move through those emotions and learn from it.


Another set of emotions you may feel initially is relief, elation, and perhaps a sense of contentment. These 3 emotions are ones that I believe we all want to feel, hold on to, and keep. The thing about feeling these emotions so early in the game is that it's a facade. When these emotions are felt early on the fact is you are feeling a sense of hope for the future and perhaps the reality of what is really happening has not set in yet. The sad truth is a crash may be around the corner, but the good news is this is just part of the rollercoaster and the crash doesnt last that long.


Remember recovering from divorce is a process and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. You will be standing tall, taking a tumble or fall, and picking yourself back up again (in terms of this divorce) several times. The issue is not whether or not we fall but if we pick ourselves up off the ground.




During this highly emotional time it is VERY important that you seek out a support system. A support system can be family, friends, co-workers, pastor and church family, or a divorce support group. Having someone you can talk to and vent to is a big help.


Divorce is a time to rediscover who you are and find out what you and only you want out of life. One of the ways to do that is to let go of the negativity around you, including negative people. Divorce can drain you of the energies especially the positive energies you have within. Take time out to nurture yourself and take care of yourself. Find ways to put the positive energy back in.

So, It's Over...Now What?

The hardest part about an impending divorce is the uncertainty. It can be a scary process, but I am here to tell you it's ok and you can get through this.


Before you sign anything figure out what you've both brought to the table and what it is you both can afford to give up (this is easier when you have a partner that still gives a damn). This is an expensive game so it's important to learn how to play. It's a draining process trying to figure out who gets the house, car(s), other assets, and even the children.


My own personal belief when it comes to all this is: ladies make sure you have your own bank account separate from your husbands. Make sure you have enough money in there to support yourself and any children you may have.


Now is the time to make an appointment with a lawyer and try to figure out what your options are. Here's a word of advice on seeing a lawyer: take a friend with you because at this point you are in a vulnerable state and you are bound to forget important questions to ask. Your friend is there to help you and offer support.


Knowing that divorce is eminent you MUST tie up any loose ends financially. This is also the time to make a budget and figure out how you and your children can live with less. You will be living off your income (if not now you will be later). Making an appointment with an accountant or financial consultant isn't a bad idea.


If you are a SAHM (stay at home mom) PLEASE take this advice: take some money for yourself every week out of his pay and deposit it into your OWN bank account. This will allow you to save money for any emergencies you may have and help you get along financially during the transition. One other thing, if you stay married and continue to pocket the money use it for a nice vacation! This piece of advice was given by Suze Orman some years ago during an appearance on Oprah. When she said it I was a sahm at the time and did not take that advice..when I left I had $90 to my name. Please Please Please take this advice.


If you need any assistance finding employment, housing, medical care (once you are dropped from his insurance), day care, etc. there are resources in each individual state to help you. There are organizations in each state that help stay at home mothers become employable again after a hiatus from the workforce - even some temp agencies have programs for displaced homemakers.


I know this can be a bumpy ride, just hold on - keep the faith-do not give up. All things happen for a reason and I know that you may not understand the reasoning right now but clarity is coming. Our life experiences are not in vain. This is a test, only a test...divorce is something that will definitely test your strength, will, and determination. If you do not consider yourself a strong woman, you will, because after going through something like this you will have developed your own strength.


It is my belief that sometimes divorce causes us as women to fall in love with ourselves for a change and enables us to stop looking to validate someone else, but to take time out for us.


*the advertised book is one that helped me get a grip on things and I still use it today when I need a little more guidance*

Those dreaded words..

Before the divorce is in full swing, I am sure that your soon to be ex has muttered one of these phrases:

• "I don't love you anymore"
• "Maybe we should take some time apart"
• "It's not you, it's me"

The list is endless. I just decided to list some of the more popular ones. After hearing whatever phrase your soon to be ex uses take some time to absorb what has been said. I am sure the initial reaction will be one of two things: sadness and / or anger. That is normal. This is the point in time where you may, perhaps want to be alone or call a friend to vent. Whatever is going to help you clear your head. Do it.

The one thing you do not want to do is beat up on yourself or blame yourself totally. In a marriage it takes two and when it ends the fault is on both sides. Here's one thing to consider - your soon to be ex has said those words..so now what? Take some time to figure out if you yourself feels any differently towards your soon to be ex. This is the time to reevaluate what you want and where you want to go.