One of the questions you have to ask yourself if you have an opportunity to work things out with someone from your past is: "Do I want to go back down that road again?"
Most of us have asked ourselves that question at some point in time.I believe one of the primary reasons you would ask yourself that question is because of a lack of trust in an ex. If you have fear or a lack of trust in your current partner or an ex, you need to reevaluate things. One thing to ask yourself is: how important is trust to you? If you believe that you can have a relationship without much trust, or believe they can earn it back-go for it. But for others it's not quite that simple. For some, a breach of trust is the end of a relationship. If you ended a relationship because of a breach of trust, it is best to move on-do not even entertain the thought of taking that person back. Being able to trust is a big part of deciding whether or not you should stay with a partner or get back together with one.
I recently took a poll of sorts to see what people thought about relationships where there was no trust left. It was basically a unanimous decision to cut your losses and move on. Here's a look at a few of the comments:
"let it go...cuz if u don't trust...there is nothing left"- JVR
"U keep it moving....u can do bad all by urself"- CF
" no trust means there is no foundation pure and simple
. To continue to pursue is a waste of your time. There needs to be trust, love, commitment, and honesty. Without those four elements, its pretty much a wrap"- SC
Do I agree with that? Yes. Definitely.
Not being able to trust your mate, or ex can lead to a few unhealthy emotions and it can also physically drain you. I can see someone being suspicious of their mate constantly, always questioning his or her whereabouts, snooping, harboring resentment, etc. Not to mention the possible physical effects of living that way: sleeplessness, irritability, elevated stress level, unhealthy eating habits, etc. For those of us who have had unfaithful mates, we can relate. Being in a relationship without trust can consume you.
One thing to remember is: Everything that we do has consequences. Everything has a price, we just have to be willing to accept the cost.
Oh, and one more thing: While you may not trust your mate or ex partner, you should forgive them for whatever it is that he or she has done. If you want to reestablish trust (romantically or not), forgiveness is the only way that can happen.
Hmm...Forgiveness: How Hard Is It?...stay tuned
Life is funny, or at least I think so. Over the past few months I've been doing a lot of thinking-mainly about how a couple can be divorced and then one decides "I want you back." What gives? It's just hilarious to me. For instance, I've been separated for one year and divorced for two and now HE has decided "there's no place like home"...my response? "Well DUH?!" My question to "him" is why did it take him 3 years to figure that out? It makes me believe that the ride he was on with "her" was over. Either that or she stamped him "Return to Sender."
I could probably put money on the fact that there's some missing details as to why he's had this sudden epiphany, but since I'm not a betting woman-I won't. He says he's known all along that home is where he wanted to be (insert insane laughter here). I highly doubt that because if it was, it wouldn't have taken him this long. My guess is, he wanted to have a little bit of fun (because he was mad with me) and then when the fun was over he planned to "get right back" and make it right with me.
So..what do I look like - an idiot? Someone who was born yesterday? I think not.
So after my state of shock and awe, I am left with what to do now. See, in his male mind (some connections are lost) he believes that we're supposed to pick right back up where we left off. NEWSFLASH!! Things are not going to pick right back up. The way things were left, he's lucky I talk to him. He must realize that he must work and work damn hard to get his "family" back, but most men are not cut out for that. And then there's my dilema...
Do I really want to go back down the same road again? (hint, hint, next blog topic)
Big surprise when I say that I ended up having to tell them myself. What's so sad about it though was the reaction of the children. They were not phased at all. So that goes to show what kind of relationship the children have with their paternal grandparents. The good thing about that is the fact that I understand. I was closer to my mother's family than my father's family -- truthfully those ppl don't exist for me. So for my children to not show so much emotion about it -- I get it. It's the kind of situation where it never really mattered whether or not their son and I stayed married or not -- they were not gonna be there point blank.
So, what happened at the memorial/funeral? If they had a memorial for him I was not aware. I guess there was so much family drama it hindered what was supposed to be taking place --mourning a man's life. So not only did my children not show too much emotion they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Long story short I am beyond grateful I have nothing to do with any of that anymore.
This week's topic: Coming to grips with the character of your former mate
Today I received a phone call from my ex husband today that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. Despite the fact that I may have some ill feelings about what happened between he and I and some of the things that went down, I do not, I repeat, do not wish the death of a parent on anyone.
My dilema in all of this is telling the children we share together. My personal belief is it is not my responsibility to be the one to tell them -- as the deceased grandparent is not my mother. The good news is that when I expressed my concern about it, we came to a decision to tell them together. I am quite sure I will probably have to be the more vocal parent because my guess is the ex husband will be too emotional to say too much. The way I figure it, I'm not such a cold, hard, bitch that I can't be there for him at this present time -- I just hope he doesn't take my kindness and run with it -- As this is a one time deal.
So tomorrow is the day he'll make the trip here, face the reality of it all, and then of course his having the expectation that I will be there -- and I thought this is what his having a girl friend was all about. Isn't this her job? Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to face it with my grownwoman gear on and handle it. I am unsure of how my children are going to handle the death of their grandfather because that remains to be seen. Tomorrow will tell the tale. I just hope that they understand that death is a part of life and they will see him again. I'd like to think of it as my children having one more guardian angel on their side to help them get through this thing we call life.
How am I handling it? Well I don't do death. Yes, I know it is a part of life but I try not to think about it. Have I called my Ex MIL and give her my condolences -- not as of yet. But I will, I need time. She's not my favorite person but, again, I know I have to put my big girl draws on and do this.
Until Tomorrow...
It's a sticky situation when the children still have hope even though you as a parent knows that there's none. Children often have this idea of their parents being together forever but sometimes forever is a short while. No one, not even the parents go into this whole marriage thing with divorce on the agenda. So, of course, when it happens it becomes a shock for everyone. Deep down I don't even believe that the one who initiates it really knows what's in store until after the fact. But in the world of divorce children have the hardest time coming to grips with things. Personally, I believe that children have this hope for their parents to reunite never dies, but our role as parents is to make the transition easier for them and to gently help them accept that their parents are no longer one unit.
As a parent it is a heartbreaking thing to hear your child or children say that they want mommy n daddy to get back together. Sometimes children get these notions after talking to the absent parent on the telephone or when both parents are together for the children (events, visitations etc), but more often that not it will come up at some point. Both parents need to be prepared to talk to the children about the hope of a reconciliation. When talking to your children please do not have an attitude about the idea or absent or custodial parent. Let the children know that the two of you have done all you can but "mommy and daddy" cannot be married anymore, but reassure them that the two of you will always be friends and will be there for the children. This could also be a time to explain to them about the different kinds of love and relationships. Explain that even thought you may not be married anymore but you both do still care about each other and each other's well-being but at this time the main concern is them (the children).
Never crush their hopes outright, but always reassure them that the two of you are still a team in regards to them. As parents, in order to raise children effectively during this time you need to put your personal feelings aside and focus on the well-being of the children. Do not bad mouth the other parent, talk down to the other parent, or let the children see the tension that may still remain between you. This is a time for the parents to work on forming a different kind of relationship, one of friendship and one that's cordial because neither one of you made the children alone. Even though the two of you may not be together, you must make decisions together that affect the children. I encourage divorced couples to seek professional help if you cannot do it on your own because not only are you hurting yourself you are hurting the people that mean the most to you both -- your children.
Considering reconciliation? Personally, I believe that those of us who have gone through or are going through a divorce have toyed with the idea of reconciliation at some point. At this stage of the game now is the time to ask yourself if reconciliation is what you really want. My suggestion is to go back and make a list of the Pros and Cons of your marriage and see if it is worth salvaging. If the Pros outweigh the Cons then it is possible. Another question that is good to ask is how or why the two of you ended up divorcing in the first place. The most important question of all (in my opinion) is have you forgiven the ex spouse and have you moved through the initial hurt. If the answer to those two questions is a "NO" then it would be safe to say that reconciliation needs to be put off a bit.
If you are considering reconciliation try to remember what it is about the ex spouse that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Also, if the two of you still have unresolved issues to work through seek help before totally committing to putting things back together. I say that simply because if unresolved issues are not tackled outright repeat problems are more likely to occur between you.
What if one ex spouse wants to reconcile and the other does not? This is the simplest of all: Move On! The spouse that may not want to reconcile may still have issues regarding the divorce-he or she may still be angry, mad, or sad. Another factor in not wanting to reconcile may be time. Too much or too little time may have passed. In terms of too much time, it could simply mean that the ex spouse has finally become used to life without the other spouse and likes things the way they are. As for too little time, it could simply mean that the ex spouse may not have had time to process things and move through the emotions of what has happend and still needs time to heal.
Whatever the case may be reconciliation is a touchy subject and should not be taken lightly. It is strictly a personal choice and only you can answer YES or No and why. Remember, whatever your stance on the subject be clear with your ex spouse what your position is and be able to back it up.
The rollercoaster of divorce is a turbulent ride. One minute you can't believe this is happening; the next minute you're ready to see him go; 30 seconds after that you're mad as hell and ready to burn all the reminders you can find. While you may be reading this and thinking wow - do not forget these extreme emotions are completely normal. You may believe you are losing your mind and it's ok because you're really not. When going through a divorce you have to allow yourself to authentically feel your emotions, but the trick is to not let the emotions take over your life.
Anger, sadness, and resentment that may be built up over time can lead to depression. That is what you do not want. Those of us going through a divorce want to be able to heal, feel, love and be loved again but the process is hard. You may even feel as though you may never love again..keep telling yourself that and that's exactly what you will bring into your life. The Bible says "as a man thinketh so is he" and that is true. It is ok to feel those emotions but remember - in order for you to be at your best you must move through those emotions and learn from it.
Another set of emotions you may feel initially is relief, elation, and perhaps a sense of contentment. These 3 emotions are ones that I believe we all want to feel, hold on to, and keep. The thing about feeling these emotions so early in the game is that it's a facade. When these emotions are felt early on the fact is you are feeling a sense of hope for the future and perhaps the reality of what is really happening has not set in yet. The sad truth is a crash may be around the corner, but the good news is this is just part of the rollercoaster and the crash doesnt last that long.
Remember recovering from divorce is a process and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. You will be standing tall, taking a tumble or fall, and picking yourself back up again (in terms of this divorce) several times. The issue is not whether or not we fall but if we pick ourselves up off the ground.
During this highly emotional time it is VERY important that you seek out a support system. A support system can be family, friends, co-workers, pastor and church family, or a divorce support group. Having someone you can talk to and vent to is a big help.
Divorce is a time to rediscover who you are and find out what you and only you want out of life. One of the ways to do that is to let go of the negativity around you, including negative people. Divorce can drain you of the energies especially the positive energies you have within. Take time out to nurture yourself and take care of yourself. Find ways to put the positive energy back in.
