In The Land of OZ...

Seriously, there comes a point where enough is enough. Kids or not, the ties must be cut and the children can decide whether or not they actually want the absent parent in their lives. The children didn't ask to come here; two consenting adults (no matter how dumb or naive) decided that fate for them.

Think back, I'm sure you can remember the whole fairytale where mom and dad stick it out and do it together til their last days, but in reality it doesn't happen all that much anymore. We all cling to that ideal. And honestly, that's ok. Though divorced, I still want a stable home with a male and female figure for my children to look up to. I want them to know it can be done, but my life has taught them otherwise. Somewhere, I'm sure, you're wondering where did I go wrong? How did it get to this? This is not what it's supposed to be *all while screaming it's not fair!* I have been there and done that. But have you ever sat back and thought to yourself that maybe having one stable parent (with less drama) is better than a severely disfunctional home because you and your spouse don't get along?

Trust me it get's better. Don't beat yourself up over it. One loving parent is better than two warring ones. I know that not living up to the "ideal" we've all grown up with can make it seem like you're living in the land of OZ but it's ok. You're going to make it. Stay on the path of healing for yourself and your children and do the things you have always wanted to do for yourself that you may not have been able to do being attached/married. Focus on you and your dreams.

One thing that the primary parent will see is just how much of an interest the absent parent plays in the childrens' lives. How much or how little interest is certainly a window into the character of the person that you were once married to. If they fail miserably at co-parenting after divorce, it may not be your fault. Maybe they feel because they are not with  you then the obligation is done. Oh well it will be that parents' loss. Children who are rejected by the absent parent soon catch on and after a while, want nothing to do wtih the absent parent. Though the absent parent is quick to blame the primary parent, he or she must realize in most cases the child makes the decision.

Remember divorce itself is like living in the land of OZ, so be patient with you, your absent ex, and your children. This is an adjustment and divorce doesn't come with a manual.

A Funny Thing Happened....

After a brief attempt at reconciliation. I figured out that he and I are better off as friends. I don't know but what I've found is that we both bring out the worst in each other. It's like a bottle of water & vinegar mixed-it doesn't.

Let's face it, dating is hell or at least it is if you do not do the inner work. I'm figuring that out. Because dating is not all it's cracked up to be, it does not mean that you and your ex spouse belong together. If there are unresolved issues or questions, I encourage you all to get help (counseling) and work on things. As time goes on you may find that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. There are instances where ex-spouses work their differences out and make it work, but for others of us-it just doesn't.

Not being able to reconcile does not mean you're an utter failure, but maybe the two of you have just grown too far apart. Maybe you really do want different things.

Sometimes being friends for your children is the best gift you can give your children rather than giving it another go as a couple. I will also say that maybe, just maybe God didn't put you and your ex-spouse

together to begin with (just a random thought).

What's funny about all this? Now that my ex and I have decided to be friends, he believes it's ok to give me dating advice. While his advice is not all bad, can we just say AWKWARD! I understand that he doesn't want to see me hurt or get into a bad situation, there's just some lines you do not cross. What's good about this though, is the fact that we're at least comfortable enough to talk about that part of our lives WITHOUT divulging too much detail.

To tie in my previous post to this one I'm gonna say this: you know you have truly forgiven the one who has hurt you, when you can move on together in peace and go on towards the next phase in life.

Does he read this? Yes. Am I bothered by it? No. Honest conversation comes about because of this blog.

Forgiveness: An Act of Love

Hate feels toxic doesn't it? Hating someone brings more harm to the hater than the person being hated. That concept is something (I believe) that goes out the window when someone does something to you. When a person is wronged, the only thing on the person's mind is fixing it-one way or another. You might be the type of person that holds a grudge against another- saying, "I will never speak to this person again!" or saying, "I hate you, you're dead to me!" We don't realize just how toxic and harmful that is.

Hate raises your blood pressure, makes you irritable, sleepless, mean, unapproachable, and down right sick inside. The only way to combat the ugliness and harm caused by hate is through FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness, however, for a lot of us, is harder than it should be. Remember, forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. There's also not a time-table for how long it takes to forgive, so don't beat yourself up, if you happen to take longer than you think you should. Forgiveness is a process. I'll be the first to say that yes, it is hard, but it's worth it. Visualize the person you're mad at going on with their life and they are happy, then take a look at yourself in the mirror. You're mad, seething even, it's not a good look. Hate makes you look weighed down, heavy, burdened-the opposite of happy. You would be carrying the burden of what happened and the person you're mad at has moved on and is truly HAPPY. In turn, that would only make you even madder (what a hoot!). Crazy I know, but that's life.

Lighten up, realize that you are both human and you make mistakes. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night-be patient with yourself. I'm sure you've all heard the saying "fake it til you make it"- that's what you may have to do in the beginning. Tell yourself that you forgive this person until you wake up one day and realize, "yes, yes I do."

Remember, the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive. It's about you and your well-being, not theirs. So show yourself some kindness, and learn to forgive others.

*yes this is a divorce blog, but life goes beyond divorce-forgiveness applies to anyone about anything*

A Little Thing Called Trust

One of the questions you have to ask yourself if you have an opportunity to work things out with someone from your past is: "Do I want to go back down that road again?"

Most of us have asked ourselves that question at some point in time.I believe one of the primary reasons you would ask yourself that question is because of a lack of trust in an ex.  If you have fear or a lack of trust in your current partner or an ex, you need to reevaluate things. One thing to ask yourself is: how important is trust to you? If you believe that you can have a relationship without much trust, or believe they can earn it back-go for it. But for others it's not quite that simple. For some, a breach of trust is the end of a relationship. If you ended a relationship because of a breach of trust, it is best to move on-do not even entertain the thought of taking that person back. Being able to trust is a big part of deciding whether or not you should stay with a partner or get back together with one.

I recently took a poll of sorts to see what people thought about relationships where there was no trust left. It was basically a unanimous decision to cut your losses and move on. Here's a look at a few of the comments:

"let it go...cuz if u don't trust...there is nothing left"- JVR

 "U keep it moving....u can do bad all by urself"- CF

" no trust means there is no foundation pure and simple
. To continue to pursue is a waste of your time. There needs to be trust, love, commitment, and honesty. Without those four elements, its pretty much a wrap"- SC

Do I agree with that? Yes. Definitely.

Not being able to trust your mate, or ex can lead to a few unhealthy emotions and it can also physically drain you. I can see someone being suspicious of their mate constantly, always questioning his or her whereabouts, snooping, harboring resentment, etc. Not to mention the possible physical effects of living that way: sleeplessness, irritability, elevated stress level, unhealthy eating habits, etc. For those of us who have had unfaithful mates, we can relate. Being in a relationship without trust can consume you.

One thing to remember is: Everything that we do has consequences. Everything has a price, we just have to be willing to accept the cost.

Oh, and one more thing: While you may not trust your mate or ex partner, you should forgive them for whatever it is that he or she has done. If you want to reestablish trust (romantically or not), forgiveness is the only way that can happen.

Hmm...Forgiveness: How Hard Is It?...stay tuned

You Were "Gonna" Get Right Back Huh?!

Life is funny, or at least I think so. Over the past few months I've been doing a lot of thinking-mainly about how a couple can be divorced and then one decides "I want you back." What gives? It's just hilarious to me. For instance, I've been separated for one year and divorced for two and now HE has decided "there's no place like home"...my response? "Well DUH?!" My question to "him" is why did it take him 3 years to figure that out? It makes me believe that the ride he was on with "her" was over. Either that or she stamped him "Return to Sender."

I could probably put money on the fact that there's some missing details as to why he's had this sudden epiphany, but since I'm not a betting woman-I won't. He says he's known all along that home is where he wanted to be (insert insane laughter here). I highly doubt that because if it was, it wouldn't have taken him this long. My guess is, he wanted to have a little bit of fun (because he was mad with me) and then when the fun was over he planned to "get right back" and make it right with me.

So..what do I look like - an idiot? Someone who was born yesterday?  I think not.

So after my state of shock and awe, I am left with what to do now. See, in his male mind (some connections are lost) he believes that we're supposed to pick right back up where we left off. NEWSFLASH!! Things are not going to pick right back up. The way things were left, he's lucky I talk to him. He must realize that he must work and work damn hard to get his "family" back, but most men are not cut out for that. And then there's my dilema...

Do I really want to go back down the same road again? (hint, hint, next blog topic)

Update to The Ex, Inlaws and Death

Big surprise when I say that I ended up having to tell them myself. What's so sad about it though was the reaction of the children. They were not phased at all. So that goes to show what kind of relationship the children have with their paternal grandparents. The good thing about that is the fact that I understand. I was closer to my mother's family than my father's family -- truthfully those ppl don't exist for me. So for my children to not show so much emotion about it -- I get it. It's the kind of situation where it never really mattered whether or not their son and I stayed married or not -- they were not gonna be there point blank.

So, what happened at the memorial/funeral? If they had a memorial for him I was not aware. I guess there was so much family drama it hindered what was supposed to be taking place --mourning a man's life. So not only did my children not show too much emotion they didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Long story short I am beyond grateful I have nothing to do with any of that anymore.

This week's topic: Coming to grips with the character of your former mate

The Ex, The In-Laws and Death...Damn

Today I received a phone call from my ex husband today that I really wouldn't wish on anyone. Despite the fact that I may have some ill feelings about what happened between he and I and some of the things that went down, I do not, I repeat, do not wish the death of a parent on anyone.

My dilema in all of this is telling the children we share together. My personal belief is it is not my responsibility to be the one to tell them -- as the deceased grandparent is not my mother. The good news is that when I expressed my concern about it, we came to a decision to tell them together. I am quite sure I will probably have to be the more vocal parent because my guess is the ex husband will be too emotional to say too much.  The way I figure it, I'm not such a cold, hard, bitch that I can't be there for him at this present time -- I just hope he doesn't take my kindness and run with it -- As this is a one time deal.


So tomorrow is the day he'll make the trip here, face the reality of it all, and then of course his having the expectation that I will be there -- and I thought this is what his having a girl friend was all about. Isn't this her job? Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to face it with my grownwoman gear on and handle it. I am unsure of how my children are going to handle the death of their grandfather because that remains to be seen. Tomorrow will tell the tale. I just hope that they understand that death is a part of life and they will see him again. I'd like to think of it as my children having one more guardian angel on their side to help them get through this thing we call life.

How am I handling it? Well I don't do death. Yes, I know it is a part of life but I try not to think about it. Have I called my Ex MIL and give her my condolences -- not as of yet. But I will, I need time. She's not my favorite person but, again, I know I have to put my big girl draws on and do this.

Until Tomorrow...